I saw this quote on Facebook today and I immediately thought of this picture and knew I had to write today!
Here is what I saw, “fear won’t get you where you want to go. It’s not easy to head off into uncharted waters, but every journey starts with a first step. Fear will keep you from taking that first step, from untying the boat from the dock. Fear will also keep you from making new discoveries. Don’t let fear keep you tied up, set sail and see what God has planned for you.”
We are untying our boat from the dock for sure. We have quit our jobs, my husband took a new job and we are moving four hours south to the country away from the city. It is a huge step for me and I have had some anxiety about it – and some panic as the days get closer to my last day at work. See, I’ve never not worked and been able to take care of myself on my own since I graduated college more than 20 years ago. I am taking a six month sabbatical and writing a book about what I’ve been through with this fear, anxiety and ocd mess and how God has delivered me through so much! God has led me to do this and He is opening the door, but I find myself as the date of departure draws closer wanting to send my resume out and wanting to have a job – even just part-time. But, God keeps sending me reminders that He is going to take care of me and that I am not to get a job until I’ve accomplished what He has asked me to do. It is scary let me tell you.
But, there are so many exciting things too. We are building a new house and construction has started. We are on a beautiful stretch of land that I have always wanted to build on and we are close to family members again. So we are untying the boat from the dock and sailing into new discoveries. Is it scary? Yes. Do I feel the fear sometimes? Yes. But, I’m also excited to see what God is going to do and what doors He is going to open. Don’t be too scared to untie your boat from the dock on what God is leading you to do. It will be worth it. Just take a step of faith. I would rather be shaking and quaking and following God’s will than content and mundane and miss God’s best.
Step out in faith and untie your boat. Great discoveries await!
Getting through ocd.
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Hi Stacey
Thank you so much for your excellent blog writing about your experiences as I really benefited alot. I really appreciate & thank God for sending a godly woman like you into my life. Because you do not know how much another person’s experiences & recovery gives hope to someone like me….because I was losing hope about whether I can be COMPLETELY set free from OCD by God because there is a free will issue too ??
Stacey, I understand your OCD is also in the area of contamination, could see you also struggle with fear of germs & dirt etc…..my OCD is also in the area of not being comfortable with touching something that is dirty…..actually I’m not afraid of germs or bacteria but I just don’t like to be dirty…..I only feel comfortable when I am clean……I do understand where you are coming from i.e OCD is about lies…..so some of the OCD issues I suffered from, I have ignored it and think its irrational, so I treated it as lies eg I used to wash my soap bottle before using them & I got rid of this habit. But Stacey, I need to seek your help & advice…..how to overcome OCD in the area of some bad habits I have developed by entertaining satan putting such thoughts in my head & it became a stronghold/ritual/bad habit & in my mind, I can’t seem to treat it as lies…….eg it takes me 50mins to just wash my hand because I stare very hard looking at the water direction & I think water splatter i.e water that hits you from the sink is dirty & I can’t seem to treat this as lie…..so whenever I wash my hand, I keep looking at the water direction & don’t know why my eyes keep playing tricks on me making me feel some water movement is water splatter which I am not sure whether it is truly water that hits you from the sink or it is just water movement when you turn your hands & its not water splatter…….so that’s why I take 50mins to wash my hands as I will repeat until I see perfect water movement which Im VERY sure its not water splatter……but this is really frustrating me as it uses up so much of my time in 1 day that Im left tired of being able to do other things. FYI, in the past i.e 5 years ago, I dont have this bad habit …….but now that I have it, I can’t seem to STOP looking at the water direction…….my Pastor asked me to stop looking at the water direction but I really tried & no matter what, my eyes naturally look at the water direction.Im not sure whether this is like demonic eye vision that needs to be cast out……I did try pleading the blood of Jesus to cover my eyes & it did improve but it did not totally get rid of my problem.
Another bad habit I also want to get rid of is ritualistic bathing & it takes me 50 mins to bathe too……I have tried many methods to cut down
bathing but I can’t seem to improve to bathe faster. So Im really at wits end what I should do…..because one of the reason my husband left me is he couldn’t take my long bathing & washing hands because I can never be on bed before 12.30pm because it takes me so long to bathe & brush teeth etc etc doing all the normal night ritual. So such bad habits can’t be just ignored as lies & it goes away…..as it requires changing the action
…..but I tried to do something to the action & I still cant improve much in terms of timing improvement. I also agree with you to rest & abide
in Jesus…….I did this by reading the bible daily, praying & fasting for at least 2hrs a day & I even sing the “blood of Jesus” song and I even
meditate on some key verses like the verse you mentioned “For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but He gives us a Spirit of power, of love & of a sound mind.” But I still can’t get rid of my desire for cleanliness i.e to be clean……I feel I should get rid of the need to be clean to feel secure & comfortable ……..so when I am not clean, I don’t feel comfortable & I don’t like the feeling……so that’s why it leads to all the cleaning
OCD rituals….but I try not to feel like that but I can’t get rid of my desire……that’s why sometimes I tell God….its not God’s fault He can’t heal me or set me free but I have my free will & I can’t let go of my desire……but at the same time, deep inside me I know this is not the kind of life I should live i.e no freedom ………..so I have been praying to God to just take away my desire for cleanliness……but I am not sure can God really do that or its my free will ? You know what I mean. So I hope you can advice me or help me of how you can get rid of your desire……because I remember reading in your blog you used to bathe
after coming home from work or something like that & you stopped doing
that…..Im sure you do have that desire to want to be clean hence you bathe but how did you STOP doing that & still feel ok i.e the clean feeling when you didn’t bathe & you should feel yucky/dirty.
God Bless & looking dorward to hear from you
Madeline
Thanks once again for your listening ear.
God bless
Madeline
Madeline,
I’m so sorry you are having to go through all of that. Honestly on the showering part after work, I just got tired of it and decided I was going to try and stop doing it. It’s not easy the first few times. You will initially not feel clean, but if you go on and keep your mind on other things often that will go away and you won’t even think about it anymore. Often what happens is you feel the anxiety for a few moments and then it dials down. It may try to come back up a few times, but often if you can pre-occupy your mind on something else it will go away. There were times when it wouldn’t go away so I would try to delay as long as I could. If it didn’t go away then I would maybe shower, but not take as long or shower again. Maybe since it is taking you that long in the shower, you could maybe start with taking your showers down to 30 minutes. Then lessening them after you feel comfortable with 30 to 20, then again down after you are comfortable with 20 until you are taking just a normal shower. Tell yourself that you are clean instead of listening to the ocd tell you that you are not. Just keep saying it is clean or I am clean and I’m OK. When you feel the anxiety, tell yourself you are OK. That seems to work for me, but there may be another word that makes you feel safe so use that. Pray and ask God to help you tackle this that this is something you need to do but you are afraid and you need His help. Pray for Him to give you the strength and the courage to battle through this. You can do this. I know you think it seems impossible but it’s not believe me. What I’m also hearing from you about watching the water is that you are feeling the need for perfection in this. Don’t worry I battle the same thing with perfectionism tendencies. Most people, not all, but most with ocd do feel the need to do things perfectly. No one is perfect and you don’t have to try and be perfect. That is the hardest thing for me sometimes because I grew up in a home where I felt I had to perform perfectly to get their approval. Then I married a man who thought I was perfect and put me on a pedestal. When I fell from the pedestal, he couldn’t handle it and didn’t handle it very well. As you know from my blog, he left me in the middle of things, but we are back together. It’s not perfect:) What I am starting to realize is that I put incredible pressure on myself to be perfect, not just for them but I’ve taken up the bad habit as well. I try to perform perfectly when I’m with them if I feel pressure though and what I’m realizing is that the people who put that kind of pressure on you to be perfect are battling even more issues than we are. That may not be the case with you and other people, but often we are already bent toward perfectionistic tendencies and when someone else puts added perfection tendencies on us we go overboard and think it is all us that can’t perform well perfectly when the expectation should never be there to begin with. I am not a trained counselor but this is something I notice again and again in my life and when I hear from others about feeling the need to be perfect. Often, not always, but often there is someone’s voice from their past or sometimes present fueling that even more. I am learning now it is ok not to be perfect. We don’t have to do everything perfectly for something bad not to happen. Our rituals are not protecting us, God is. Just try this, when you have to shower, soap up and tell yourself you are clean the first time you wash. Water is water and it doesn’t matter how it comes out or what it touches, you are clean, clean, clean! See if that helps in getting the showers down under 50 and then just keep reducing them until you are taking showers that someone who would not have ocd would take. I hope this helps. If you can go cold turkey from 50 to nothing and God is leading you to do that – that is great, but more often it is more gradual than that so don’t think you have to go from 50 to 0 all at once. Praying for you Madeline. You can do this!!!
Hi Stacey
Thanks for your fast reply. Thanks so much for encouraging me & praying for me. Its greatly appreciated.
You know Stacey, we are so similar in so many ways & have same experiences……………..I also grew up in a home whereby my mum always calls me stupid and she was always scolding me for making mistakes and hence I became a perfectionist in everything I do & I tend to be pretty inefficient as I take too long to do things & always need to check many times before I feel it is OK …..hence I also have OCD in compulsive checking. I prayed to God & He through the Holy Spirit reveals to me I have fear of being imperfect……..so nowadays I bind and cast out this Spirit of fear & I feel Im less obsessive to be perfect by a little but I think there is still a long way to go before I can be normal again. I read in your blog you were writing a letter to someone close to you to reveal all your hurts….I salute you for your courage & I hope it has helped to heal your wounds already. For me, I
did not have a good relationship with my mother & only recently, God made me realise I have to forgive her…..because I am angry that alot of my life’s problems are due to the way she brings me up, always saying negative things over my life & making me grow up to be such an insecure & lack of confidence kind of person…..but I have forgiven her & she has passed away due to sickness too. Again Im like you, as my husband also sets very high standards and as he easily gets irritated, the slightest mistake also makes him angry……..so nowadays as you know, he has moved out & has filed for divorce, I guess God wants me to deal with my inner issues first to heal me……so I really thank God, ever since my husband left home, Im able to find back my self-worth & identity because God told me in Bible that Im fearfully & wonderfully created by Him…..I meditate on this verse daily & now I feel Im gaining back my confidence…..as I no longer feel I need to get security & love & happiness from my husband as God is able to provide all of that & He never fails you but mere mortal man like my husband often fail me.
OK, I am going to follow your advice regarding showering…..wait to hear my good news. So Stacey, to get out of OCD completely, I need you to answer a few of my questions ;
1) I have this desire to be clean….as being dirty really makes me feel uncomfortable & I don’t like it.
- So do I keep praying for God to take away this desire…..can God do that ? Or
- Its me that has to do the part to kill this desire…..God can’t take it away for me
- But I try to kill this desire & I find it really hard to let go……what should I do……..I read in your blog doing the exposure therapy……are you saying by doing the exposure therapy it will kill the desire as time goes by if one repeatedly do the exposure. Because I have not started doing any exposure therapy yet.
2) are you completely set free from OCD ?? or you think one can NEVER totally be set free as there will still be tendacies of some irrational mindset or habits ……eg a person who likes things clean can never be like those people who can’t be bothered about cleanliness at all…..you know what I mean.
Stacey, I have another OCD issue that troubles me & my life…..I think that fart gas is contaminated as I read from some articles that when one
farts, one releases poop particles into the air & there is even this article
that wrote that this person (a lady) got Aids by getting it from someone who farted in the car & she inhaled the air. So from then on, when I fart
in my bedroom & when I have no choice but need to open my wardrobe eg after bathing, the next day I will take ALL my affected clothes in the wardrobe to re-wash…………..as I kinda idolize after my wardrobe & my clothes have to be really clean…….I read in your blog you also like your clothes clean. So, can you help to change my mind-set that farting or fart gas is not contaminated….because I try searching in the internet & I keep
reading about release of poop particles into the air. But how not to fart as I have tried eating all health supplements & I still fart at least 3 times a day
……and at the rate Im washing my clothes, my clothes would have been worn out by then.
Thanks once again for listening to me. You know, Stacey, you can write to me about your struggles too as I will see how I can help you too. For eg I know you treat pills as contaminated but actually pills is one of the cleanest thing you can find because I used to work in the pharmaceutical
industry & I know all pills are very highyly processed & very strict quality control at factory level is being followed …..so no way pills are dirty or contaminated.
God Bless
Madeline
Madeline,
Absolutely God can do a miraculous healing if He chooses to go that route and take the ocd away miraculously. But, that might not be the plan. The plan may be to get you completely free from what started the ocd to begin with or to strengthen your relationship with God in a way that can’t be found any other way than to walk through the healing process. Either way, I do believe it is God’s desire to see you and me and everyone else who has suffered with this completely and totally free. Will there still be mindsets and habits that you bend to – possibly under stress, possibly for a while. But I believe that you get to a point in your healing that you don’t bend to it anymore whether or not the thought comes. Exposure therapy does help with that. If you like things clean as I do, you will never be like someone who could care less and lives in a dirty environment. But, you will no longer be controlled by the ocd if you know what I mean. You will clean like a person without ocd would clean and go on with your life. The enemy of ocd might still throw a thought in from time to time, but you will not act on it or dwell on it and will push the thought away much the same as everyone else does. Everyone gets thoughts that are not coming from them. The difference with us is that we take the thought as if it is our own and we dwell on it and act out in a compulsion or ritual to try and make us feel better instead of just casting the thought out as a lie and meaningless. Once you get to the place that you recognize the lie as meaningless, it will be easier and easier for you to walk away from the ocd rituals. So I guess, to sum it up yes I believe you can be completely healed and yes, you may still get weird thoughts from time to time but they won’t affect you or control you or cause you to act out. Everyone on the planet gets weird thoughts that the enemy throws at them, but the difference is most don’t give them a second thought except to think that was weird. I have had tremendous healing in almost all areas, but there are still a couple that bother me – pills are the main one because I had a trauma surrounding a prescription medication that caused me to have severe anxiety and panic from the side effects and I feel anxiety around pills because of the reaction I had which then causes me to want to act out with ocd to control the anxiety – so I have to work harder in those areas to completely overcome them. But, I am happy to say that progress has come there and continues to come even though I am not completely at ease around pills yet. If you have not had a huge trauma surrounding one of your fears then it will be easier for you to overcome faster, but even if you have you will still overcome it – it may just take a little longer for you to get completely free. Stress and hormonal issues can cause flares from time to time until you are completely free so know and understand that as well.
As far as the gas issue, passing gas is a normal part of life and we have to do it to stay healthy. God made that as part of the way our body needs to function. You have passed gas your entire life as have others and nothing has happened to you because of it and think about babies who do more than pass gas in their diapers and nothing adverse has happened to them. I am not making light of how you feel about it in what I’m saying because believe me I know it is hard when a thought is controlling you, but I want you to try and look at it in another way instead of what the ocd is telling you. Try and see it as this is something that is natural and you have to do in order to stay healthy and it is the way that God created your body to function. You have to tell yourself this and begin to click the logical side of your brain on instead of the ocd side regarding that. That is the same advice my therapist gave me. It may make you feel uncomfortable, but if you deliberately expose yourself and either delay what you would normally do as long as you can or not do it all, you will begin to see that you are OK and you are going to be OK. It is a process Madeline and it’s not always easy, but it is something we have to do to get free. Follow God’s leading in this because you know He wants you free and He never intended for us to live with that kind of fear. Ask God to show you the truth in the matter about what you are thinking and ask Him to help heal your mind so that you focus on the truth and not what the ocd tries to tell you. You may get an overnight healing, but don’t be discouraged if you don’t. It simply only means that you have to walk through your healing process with God. Ocd is just fear. God never said we wouldn’t feel fear, but He did say we don’t have to act on it. Ask Him to help you not to act on it and when you don’t, fear has to flee.