Category Archives: Journal

I wanted to share something with you that God shared with me last week and brought back to my attention today. We are in control of the ocd. Did you hear me? The ocd is not in control of you, but you have control of it. What I mean by that and this is what I believe God showed me is that we can choose. We can choose to allow the ocd to rule or we can choose to control the ocd by standing up to it. It really is that simple. God reminded me of what He said to me during a prayer time this morning. Basically, He said you control it by either giving in to it or fighting it. When you choose to fight it, you are controlling it. You choose how much power you give it over you.
Now, I don’t know about you, but that says a great deal.
I want you to think about something. When you are around certain people and the ocd might embarrass you, do you reign it in and not do what you would normally do if no one is looking? If you do, and I know that we all have, then you can control it. I didn’t say did you control it and not feel any anxiety, but did you control it.
The anxiety will eventually go away the more you face the fear and expose yourself to it. Think of it another way. My fears about pills you probably wouldn’t even give a second thought. You don’t fear that and you would think that can’t harm you. You might even think, that’s silly. And, the things that you fear, I would probably not give a second thought and I would think there is no way that is going to harm you. Now, take that a step further. What if you started thinking that about your own fear. There is no way this is going to harm me. In my case, I have to think there is no way walking by a person with a prescription bottle of pills is going to harm me or cause me any problem. It is not going to jump out of the bottle and jump on me. It is not going to get on me in any way. The only way this bottle of pills is going to harm me is if I went up and took a pill out of the bottle and swallowed it and I happened to have an allergic reaction to it. So, since there’s no way I’m going to do that nor would any other normal person, then it is not going to harm me. I also think about all the times throughout my life, with the exception of the last two years, when this never bothered me and I walked by people with pills all the time and thought nothing of it. How often was I exposed to this and nothing happened? My whole life and nothing happened. The only time something happened to me was when I was prescribed a pill that I had a reaction to because I took it. So, how many times in your life have you been exposed to something that you are afraid of now and it never harmed you? In fact, you are still being exposed to it and nothing is happening to you except that you are feeling fear and anxiety about it and allowing that fear and anxiety to run rampant. I’m not just saying you are doing this. I have too.
But, we really are in control. Sometimes we might be very successful in using that control and other times we might not. God is not mad at you when you fail. He is saying you can do this. You can do this. Get up and fight again.
So, I hope what you take from this is knowing that you do have some control here and the ocd is not in control of you. You have hope. You can conquer this. Don’t beat yourself up if you fail at times, but throw a party when you do exercise your control. You are being courageous every time you fight despite what you may feel inside. In fact, I would argue that you are one of the most courageous people on the planet because you are choosing to face your fears instead of running from them – something most people with or without ocd never do. God loves you and is working with you in this fight. How can you lose?
Getting through ocd.

“You can walk on water.” That is what I got from God a couple of weeks ago and I have wanted to share it here with you ever since. But, I got sidetracked and came under spiritual attack. You see sometimes when I gain ground and get something big to share with you that God is showing me, the enemy comes against me to try and stop me from getting the message out. So, I do want to ask you to keep me in your prayers as I try to follow what God leads me to share. I know I have God’s protection and He is stronger than anything the enemy lashes out, but the enemy does try to attack and bring me down at times.
I was on my way to Atlanta to get the rest of my stuff when God shared an image with me in my heart. He gave me a word to hold onto and I knew it was a word not just for me, but for everyone who is in this fight of ocd and fear.
I had an image in my heart of me standing on the beach with Jesus and looking out across the ocean. I felt the still small voice in my heart say, “all this can be yours.”
I thought what does that mean. I don’t understand. That is just ocean as far as the eye can see, vast amounts of ocean. What do you mean? I didn’t get an answer so I just let it go and didn’t think much more about it that day.
The next day, as I traveled to my last counseling appointment, I heard God’s whisper in my heart say, “You can walk on water. Do you want to?”
And, suddenly, it made sense to me – the ocean, walking on water. It all made sense. What God is saying, if we choose to believe it, is that we can walk on water through this fight. There is nothing we cannot do if we choose to believe it. What will you choose? Do you want to walk on water because you already have it in you.
After that I was so excited and I came home bursting with anticipation and longing to let you all know. The moment I arrived home, the attacks began from the enemy. A loved one said things completely out of character to me that made me doubt myself even though I knew it was the voice of the enemy speaking through that person. The next day, I developed a problem with my eye on my cornea that if left untreated could have led to an ulcer and blindness in that eye. I had to go to the doctor and was prescribed medication for my eye. As you know medication is my weakness and so I was nervous but I took it anyway and have done so now for five days. Today, I go back to the doctor to make sure it is working. In the midst of taking that medication, my husband and my mother chose that time to pick fights with me. I kept pushing through. I prayed for God’s help and continued exposing myself to the things that scared me the most and guess what I started winning again in this last area.
I have chosen to believe God in this area that I can walk on water. He has already healed me miraculously in almost every area of the ocd, but I had felt content I guess to battle the final layer and not really confront it as I had the other areas. You see I had already been told by my counselor that she had never seen anyone battle back from where I was before without the aid of medication. That is a testament to our God. But, God never intended for me to be 98 percent whole. He intended for me to be 100 percent whole. And, so I march on because I know the final remnants will fall. You see God told me I could walk on water and I am choosing to believe Him! Will you?
Getting through ocd.

Celebration time! I just heard from Madeline on her tremendous progress forward in her fight against ocd! I am just so thrilled for her that I wanted to remind everyone that every victory is something to be celebrated and don’t forget to do that for yourself. My counselor once told me when I was describing how I had conquered something huge as if it were an everyday thing, that I needed to stop glossing over it and really listen to myself and celebrate the victories. I wanted to remind all of you of the same thing. When I heard from Madeline today I thought about how we tend to forget the celebration when we’ve been in the fight for a while and the progress that has already been made! I think of Laura and how far she’s come and about others who have written to tell me they have come through and come so far in this fight. I am humbled when people thank me and I don’t always know what to say when people credit the blog and my struggle with giving them hope again! It makes my day and all I can tell you is we serve a big God!
I have said this before and I will say it again. I have not advertised this blog in any manner. Those of you who’ve come here or found it is because of God. I have only mentioned this blog to one group of fellow ocd sufferers and that is a group God led me to in the early stages. So, no matter how you ended up here it is a God thing for sure.
I am humbled that my struggle has mattered and I’m humbled if God can take any of that and use it to help others heal. I will serve him all the days of my life because it is a miracle that I am here in one piece today. Many of you have probably felt the same way. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel and yes, you can be completely set free. So celebrate. Celebrate your God. Celebrate all of your progress – big and small. Don’t beat yourself up if you see setbacks. The enemy tries to fight your progress, but your enemy (ocd) has already been defeated. It is not bigger than your God. We need to remember that and remember we don’t fight alone. We fight with the God of the universe and nothing, nothing, nothing can stand against Him. Celebrate and please share your victories on here in this blog. It helps us all and I want to celebrate with you!
Getting through ocd.

Sometimes in order to get free, you have to go in the furnace. That is what I heard Joyce Meyer say today – that often we are set free from our bondage in the fiery furnace. So, if you feel the heat turned up in your life, and if you are struggling with ocd, you have felt the heat – then here’s good news – You may be in the furnace now, but you are coming out free.
If you have prayed for God to set you free from ocd, you don’t have to wonder or worry if He heard you or if He will answer that prayer. He will. But, you can’t just sit around and wait for a miracle if you haven’t seen a miracle happen for your freedom. You have to do all that you know to do through prayer and doing what God is telling you to do, and then having done all to stand.
If you want to know how strong you are, this fight is not for the faint hearted. If you are in this trial, then you already know that you are a strong person, stronger I would argue than most because of what you have already endured. Now, stop worrying if you are strong enough for the fight and get up and fight.
God has given you all that you need to win because you have Him. Nothing can stand against you and nothing can come against you that is stronger than your God.
So face the fear that is battling you. Face it with your knees knocking and your hands shaking, but face it because you stand facing it with God and the minute you step out, He steps out and so does all of Heaven. Your enemy can’t stand in the face of that. David didn’t run from the battlefield when he faced Goliath. He ran quickly to the battlefield and He was successful because he went with God. He also didn’t fight with the same weapons that everyone else fought with. He used a slingshot and slayed a giant. Find how you fight best and step out with God. One sling of the rock and the giant goes down…the giant of ocd goes down.
Getting through ocd.

I have been noticing the last few days that the need to perform perfectly seems to be a recurring nightmare in my life. The pressure from it all is ridiculous. In my case, it started with the need to please others and live up to their expectations. Unfortunately, I had a parent, husband and a boss who all expected perfection. Throw that in with a bent already toward perfectionism and you get a deadly mix. So, guess what, the ocd led me to a place that at first I thought was just ocd, but now I’m beginning to realize it also was taking over with the need to be perfect – to perform the rituals perfectly in order for it to be OK. So, if I couldn’t pay the utmost attention to what I was doing or someone distracted me, I would do it again and perhaps again. I felt I had to pay attention to every single detail or I would miss something. I’m just starting to get that I don’t have to be perfect. My house doesn’t have to be perfect. I can not perform perfectly and still be OK. I’ve noticed this lately and perhaps this is another step in the total healing process because I have a new house and now I’m wanting to control that everything coming in from my old house and from other places is well, perfect. The sun needs to set on that little obsession. It doesn’t have to be perfect for me to be alright. What others expect and want and need from me shouldn’t matter more than what I need for me. I need to place others’ expectations back on them and with them and stop taking them on as my own. I need to learn that everything is OK just the way it is, even me at this stage of the game. That doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying in areas that I feel the need to improve or get better, but that it is OK to just accept where I am on the road to where I’m going. God is the leader in my life and I know I am going to go where He leads no matter how I feel. I am more afraid not to follow God than I am to fear anything else and maybe that is the ultimate key. God never leads us where He doesn’t protect us and keep us. I stepped out in a big leap of faith quitting my job and moving back to where I grew up. It is taking faith to not look for a job and write a book about my experience for six months because that is what I believe God is asking me to do. And, so I will do it until I believe God leads me in another direction. Don’t think I’m not getting pressure from people about finding a job or always being asked when I’m going to start looking for a job. It would be easy to give into that and it would be easier for us financially if I would take a job, but I made a commitment to God on this and that is something I don’t want to forsake. So, pray for me and our family over the next six months that God will continue to lead and guide me on what to write and what to do. Pray that I will have clarity when it is time to begin looking for a job and the proper job to take. Pray that we will all beat this ocd monster once and for all never to be bothered with it again. Believe me that is a prayer that God will answer. So keep on keeping on in what God is telling you to do and follow God where He leads. You will be glad you did in the end.
Getting through ocd.

Sometimes when things seem their hardest you have to learn to stand your ground. That is what I have been getting in a Bible study I have been doing and it has come to me repeatedly this week.
In the bible study, Beth Moore talks about strongholds and ocd is a stronghold in our lives. She said, and I found this to be particularly true in my situation, that when we have a stronghold, we will defend it, protect it and hide behind it. I have found in my struggle that there have been times that I just wanted people to understand what I was going through so much that I would actually defend my condition and the ocd. She went on to say that when we begin to call our strongholds what they are – for ocd it would be fear – that is the first step in getting free. And, when we recognize that God is stronger than anything we face and we make up our mind to get free, nothing can stop us or stand against us because we are fighting with God on our side.
Powerful. We need to make up our minds once and for all to get free, stand our ground and see the deliverance of our God. Nothing can stop you when you do that.
What we don’t often recognize is that we aren’t fighting alone in this. God is here and nothing is impossible for God if you believe. Do you believe? Not just want to believe, but do you actually believe that God can and will set you free?
Then stand your ground and face the fears. I am not just talking to you, but to me too.
Do you know that when you set your mind in God’s direction and begin to believe what He is telling you that you can do anything. Anything is possible for you.
We are all soldiers in the Army of God. We all are if you have accepted Christ as your savior. You have the fight in you because you have the Holy Living God living in you. I know I have written all this before, but I was reminded of all of this this week in my study and it was powerful.
This morning I heard Joyce Meyer describe fear. Fear means to take flight she said. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel the emotion of fear. Fear not means to not take flight. There are still times I want to take flight. I have made so much progress and enjoyed so much healing in so many areas of this fight, but there is the top one – the fear of pills that still causes me problems. There is a trauma associated with the pill fear so it has had a stronger hold on me – stronghold if you will. This week, I have been exposing myself to over the counter pills by not fleeing from them when they are near me at the grocery store aisle and picking check out lines that have aspirin and allergy medication on them to go through the checkout line with.
Well, of course the enemy knows that this is the last fall of the ocd so he sets it up for me to run into two major obstacles this week. One obstacle occurred in a bookstore when a woman whipped out a pill bottle, opened it and took a pill right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. It has been a long time since that happened. I deal better when I know what the pill was and am better able to move past it, but I couldn’t very well ask her although I contemplated long stories to tell her to try and find out. But, in the end I didn’t ask. My anxiety didn’t skyrocket as in the past, but it was there. I went to lunch after and only washed my hands once as is normal before lunch for me and ate with no problems. I’d like to tell you I was 100 percent perfect, but I did shower when I got home six hours later because I worried how I would feel later in the days to come in my new home if I didn’t. I knew I wasn’t really contaminated, but I did it just as a precaution to ward off thoughts – notice I said thoughts not contamination – that may not even happen in days to come. All that did was reinforce the lie that I had to do something to remain safe from my “thoughts”. So, the next day, I again encountered pills. This time I was paying for sod at a landscape company and a woman opened her drawer to give me change and pulled the cash out right next to her prescription pill bottle. Again, I didn’t know what the pills were. I went to the restroom after and passed at least three that I counted more bottles of pills, all prescription which I haven’t been facing deliberately. Good news is I came home and didn’t shower until I got ready to go to bed. Even went to Bible study without showering after that encounter. So, even though I would have liked to have handled it perfectly, I did make progress and I know if I keep standing my ground on this last issue, it will fall. But, I have to stop taking flight and I have to stand my ground – the ground that the Lord has given me. There are days I feel stronger and more able to do that and there are days I just don’t want to have to deal with it, but I can assure you all that is normal. So, as you can see God has healed me in so many areas, but I have to face the last obstacle with the pills and not knowing in cases what they are or I am not completely free.
I know that will happen because God has given me the courage and the freedom in so many other areas of the ocd fight this last couple of years. My husband takes Alleve every night and I don’t even ask him to wash his hands after and he gets in bed and touches things all through the house. I have learned I am fine and I know that deep down I am fine if I encounter other pills, but I am not always perfect in dealing with it. I have learned that I am not even fearing contamination any more, I am fearing my own thoughts about it and thoughts can be controlled.
The beauty is God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but just to keep trying until I am completely and utterly free.
May God continue to bless you in your fight! Remember no matter what you are facing, you can do it. We can all do it. If we couldn’t, God wouldn’t ask us to not fear.
Getting through ocd.

Whew! I have been so exhausted the last couple of days. Moving and unpacking is not for the faint hearted. Today, I sat down on the computer for the first time in a few days and I wasn’t planning on writing today. But, God had other plans.
I kept seeing devotions on being happy in the moment and getting your joy back. Basically, they were saying that the joy of the Lord is our strength and that we don’t need to wait until something gets better or our circumstances change or everything lines up perfectly to be happy. We need to choose joy and happiness and seek them through God.
That still didn’t fully inspire me to write today because I was mentally tired. Those were the first two devotions I saw in an email. One on happiness and one on joy. I knew God was talking to me and I felt He wanted me to share it with everyone on here, but I thought I don’t know if I feel like writing today. Our feelings can be fickle anyway and I know better than to just give in to a feeling.
But, God knew I needed one more push so in the unlikeliest place, I opened a post and it said we need to seek grace and not trouble because if we seek or look for trouble we are sure to find it.
I then realized that God was telling me and wanting me to tell you guys as well that we are not to put off seeking happiness and His joy. “This is the day the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
I know that was for me today and I have to suspect you too or God wouldn’t have kept after me to write today.
Life happens I know. And, with ocd, life can be even more stressful. But, God is saying don’t wait until you have fully arrived to be happy. Be happy in the moments and blessings that I give you today. Let me bless you.
There are times that we can focus on the problem so long that all we can see is the problem. God doesn’t want us to focus on the problem. He wants us to focus on how big our God is and that His grace will see us all the way through whatever we may face today or tomorrow. God has been continually reminding me that He is with me and He wants to help me through the last remnants of fears I have battled. He has already helped me conquer through so many and He wants the last little ones to fall and for me not to fear anything harming me. He wants the same for you and whatever you are fearing. He wants us to be happy, but we have to choose happy over fear.
So, the next time you are out and about and you see that penny on the ground for those of you in the United States – Note that it is stamped with “In God we Trust” and know that is a reminder that God is with you. For those of you outside of the United States, anytime you see the smallest coin on the street or out and about, know that God is also reminding you of the American penny saying “In God we Trust” and that it is meant to let you know that God is with you and you can Trust Him to see you through! I love you guys and I pray for you! Let us all do our best to rejoice and be happy in God today!
Getting through ocd.

It’s going to be a bright shiny day today! Wake up and think I am so looking forward to what God is going to show me today. I know things can get hard, believe me.
I have been moving and let’s face it stress good or bad can cause symptoms to flare at times. But, as long as you are making progress, even small progress, every day you are still moving in the right direction.
I want to share something with you that I did right before we began moving. For some reason, after all this happened to me I stopped eating peanuts and strawberries and shrimp. Basically, when this happened to me I had just eaten shrimp so my mind began telling me I had some type of allergic reaction. I didn’t, but I added other common food allergies into the mix of things that I stopped eating even though I had never had allergies to them.
So, my husband and others kept coming by me with peanuts in the last few weeks and I realized that I was reacting out of fear every time they walked by me after eating peanuts. They couldn’t tell, but I was shrinking back. I got mad and decided I am tired of this so I got up and ate peanut butter crackers and sat down and decided what happened happened. Nothing happened and I am happy to tell you that I am eating peanut butter crackers regularly.
Now, there are some other things I still need to tackle, but I wanted to let you know that sometimes you just have to make up your mind you are going to do it anyway despite the fear you may face and despite what you think might happen.
Just know that God is in control of your life. I just heard a pastor say that the only way to get over your problems is to go through them and when you go through them you enter into the promised land of milk and honey.
Go through your problems with ocd and enter into the promised land. Your promised land awaits. He will build you houses you did not build and vineyards that you did not plant. But, don’t forget once you are free to never forget who made you free! God and God alone sets you free, but you have to cooperate. Go straight through the problem. Just remember the greater your problems, the greater your blessings. So, look at it this way you are on the way to huge blessings:)!
Getting through ocd.

Betrayal. It is a word that immediately brings up images. If we have ever been betrayed, we can relate to it. If we haven’t had a major betrayal yet, we know of the ultimate betrayal. Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. But, even that was part of the plan. What if all of our betrayals were part of the ultimate plan for our good? I can tell you they are.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that God brings the betrayal. He most definitely does not. The betrayal comes at the hands of Satan himself. We know this because the Bible tells us that Satan entered Judas just before Judas betrayed the Lord. But, look at how it ended. Our savior is risen and He broke the hold of death.
Now, I say all of this because this morning I was wondering why I was still feeling weird around certain objects in my old house. I pondered that this morning, and I felt the word betrayal coming to mind.
It was true. The two chairs reminded me of a betrayal where someone I thought should protect me instead led me into a very uncomfortable situation at work. It is where I fell apart and where I thought I was truly afraid of the contaminated object that was brought into the room. But, it wasn’t ultimately about that. It was about the betrayal. Someone I trusted to protect me did not. Ocd is never really about a contaminant. It always has a deeper root with a deeper fear.
I followed that thought into betrayal and the theme of it had been running for a while. I thought about the betrayal I felt when my husband left during the height of the ocd. And, then I thought about the prescription medication that triggered all of this off to begin with that I took from a doctor who I trusted to help me not harm me. I thought about the deeper betrayals coming from earlier in life where someone I trusted to protect me did not. But, God is trying to resurrect me from the ashes that once was my life. And, He wants to do the same for you.
God asks us to trust Him and when we do great things begin to happen. We are blessed so we can bless others and relationships that looked doomed are redeemed.
So, what I’m telling you when I looked at those objects that I had associated with a memory – those memories for me delved into betrayal leading all the way back to where the fear first began. For you, the fear may be linked to some other fear or hurt that you suffered somewhere in your life. Mine comes from worrying that harm is going to come to me. Certainly I have evidence that there has been harm done, but the greater evidence is that God can redeem it all and turn it around for my good and for your good.
These are just thoughts I had today and I wanted to share them here. I want to tell you that God has blessed my husband and I so much with our new home. It truly is beautiful. He is also restoring and has been restoring broken relationships in my life. I pray that you will continue on in your fight and give God the opportunity to heal you and redeem your life from the ashes.
Getting through ocd.

Well, things are moving along fast on our new home. We should be moving in within three weeks. There has been a lot of change in my life for sure! No job, living with my parents out of a suitcase and all of my stuff still not here – and that’s just to name a few.
I still see progress all the time, but I see little flares too because of the stress of all the change.
One thing we don’t generally like is change – because it takes away what we feel is in our control. I find myself in an environment where I am not in control of anything. I have to eat when they eat and follow what they want to do and it’s hard. I am out of any basic routine and I long for the day when I am in my own home. It’s easier to push through symptoms too in general when you realize you don’t have control of a situation and you just give up trying to have it.
We have gotten very involved in our local church and I love that because I missed being in bible studies and Sunday school classes where we are studying the word every week. I tend to function on a much higher level when I am in the word and studying God’s word.
The inside of our house is supposed to be almost completed this week. It’s amazing to watch your house change every day and see things growing and coming together. I wonder if that’s what God feels like when He watches us grow and change and come together as we are supposed to do.
It’s exciting to see and each day I run over to see what has happened and gotten better today. That’s probably how God sees us too. He waits for us to wake up and sees all the progress we make in a day and is excited for us! Even on the days when only a small progress is made is a good day because it is one step closer to the finished project.
So, celebrate your victories with God. He sure wants to get excited with you. Sometimes the road seems long and winding and it seems that you won’t reach your destination for weeks or months, but each day is progress and you will arrive at your destination intact and whole.
Do all you can to try and stay in God’s word every day of your life. If that means doing a bible study at your church, then do a Bible study at your church. If you don’t have a church home or a Bible study to do, then go online and join one of Beth Moore’s or another teacher that you love who has sound biblical teachings.
I am planning on writing scripture on the floors of our home before they put our flooring down so it will be underneath the flooring. This is something my church in Atlanta did when they were remodeling and I thought it was wonderful. The builders may wonder about us when we start writing on the concrete, but it will remind me every day that I am standing on the promises of God throughout my home and it will remind me that God built my house! I hope you are all having a great day and pushing on through in the fight against fear – which is all ocd is – just plain old fear.
Getting through ocd.