Category Archives: Journal

It has been cold here for the last couple of days and I feel like I’m getting a cold. I’m wishing for warmer weather. Every day is an adventure. I am out of my ordinary comfort zone and no longer working as I wait for the house to be finished. The other day I read a quote and I can’t remember the exact wording, but here is a paraphrase. When you stand up and face your greatest fear, all fear leaves. It is true, but it is not easy. Last night I faced a fear. I didn’t feel the tremendous anxiety, but my body did start reacting with a hot flash so I stepped away and acknowledged that my body was telling me I had had enough for the moment. It’s ok to do that as long as you know you will go back and face it again and take it a step further the next time until it no longer has a hold on you.
I pray you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year, but if it wasn’t all that you had hoped, I pray that you have many blessings in the new year. We all have troubles and we will never escape those totally in this life, but we don’t have to live with the hold of ocd on top of life’s other burdens. It is something we can conquer and battle back with God’s help. Don’t stop in your fight. Maybe you feel you have had a slight setback or maybe you have seen great strides, but either way you will come out of this a winner if you just don’t give up.
Here’s to many blessings for all of us this year. I hope to write again soon!
Getting through ocd.

I chose this picture today to make a point that God showed me this morning. There is an area in my bedroom where I thought some contamination entered a long time ago. Mostly, I’ve gotten past all that, but today it was bothering me a little probably because my stress is elevated from the last two days at work and moving.
Anyway, that’s not the story. As I looked at it, I had an image in my head of a martial arts match where they bow slightly to each other before the match. That small image struck me and I felt God say in my heart, “that is what you are doing.” Odd, I thought what do you mean? “Every time you let the ocd dictate what you do or don’t do, you are bowing down to it.” Wow! Not just bending my knee to it, but bowing down to it and making it my god.
Whew! Not the life I want to live for sure. I wanted to leave you guys with those thoughts as I wind down my career here in Atlanta and begin my new adventure in south Georgia, in the country. I may not write for a few weeks because we are focusing on packing and splitting time between the two places until our house is finished there and my computer access will be limited. There is still lots to do and pick with the new house as they finish construction. It is an exciting time, but I’ve had anxiety about it too. I know I need to take extra care of myself right now because stress always exacerbates any ocd symptoms still left lingering.
I love you guys and I know your struggles. I hope you will take the next few weeks and work really hard on beating back your ocd. God is with you and will help you! I may write from time to time during this period, but if I don’t, please come back and read old posts until I’m back writing regularly.
Every one of you are awesome and God loves you so much! Take His hand and stop bowing to the ocd. It no longer controls you!
Getting through ocd.

‘Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion”
(Psalm 103:4, NIV)
The first time I ever posted on here about feeling that I had been caught in the perfect storm was about a year ago. Recently, I’ve also posted about it because I’ve heard Beth Moore teaching on it and it reminded me of the last year and a half.
I was driving to one of my last counseling appointments on Tuesday when I began to think back over the past year and a half. I was in a place so devastating I wondered if I would survive. And, then I realized something. I wouldn’t change it. If I hadn’t gone through what I’ve been through, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave a career making a good living and chart off into unchartered territories. I wouldn’t see the doors that God has been opening to make a better life for us. I wouldn’t have ever started this blog to try and help others. I wouldn’t be planning to write a book about my experience. Even when my husband left me and filed for divorce, I was strengthened and upheld by God Himself.
God brought my husband back home. He opened doors to move from a life that was killing us stress wise and into a new life where He has created “streams in the wasteland.”
I heard Beth again this morning teaching on this subject and it brought everything full circle. She said sometimes God allows the perfect storm to break to pieces the enemy’s hold on us.
Amen and amen.
Getting through ocd.

I saw this quote on Facebook today and I immediately thought of this picture and knew I had to write today!
Here is what I saw, “fear won’t get you where you want to go. It’s not easy to head off into uncharted waters, but every journey starts with a first step. Fear will keep you from taking that first step, from untying the boat from the dock. Fear will also keep you from making new discoveries. Don’t let fear keep you tied up, set sail and see what God has planned for you.”
We are untying our boat from the dock for sure. We have quit our jobs, my husband took a new job and we are moving four hours south to the country away from the city. It is a huge step for me and I have had some anxiety about it – and some panic as the days get closer to my last day at work. See, I’ve never not worked and been able to take care of myself on my own since I graduated college more than 20 years ago. I am taking a six month sabbatical and writing a book about what I’ve been through with this fear, anxiety and ocd mess and how God has delivered me through so much! God has led me to do this and He is opening the door, but I find myself as the date of departure draws closer wanting to send my resume out and wanting to have a job – even just part-time. But, God keeps sending me reminders that He is going to take care of me and that I am not to get a job until I’ve accomplished what He has asked me to do. It is scary let me tell you.
But, there are so many exciting things too. We are building a new house and construction has started. We are on a beautiful stretch of land that I have always wanted to build on and we are close to family members again. So we are untying the boat from the dock and sailing into new discoveries. Is it scary? Yes. Do I feel the fear sometimes? Yes. But, I’m also excited to see what God is going to do and what doors He is going to open. Don’t be too scared to untie your boat from the dock on what God is leading you to do. It will be worth it. Just take a step of faith. I would rather be shaking and quaking and following God’s will than content and mundane and miss God’s best.
Step out in faith and untie your boat. Great discoveries await!
Getting through ocd.

What do you think fear is? We hear a lot about fear. We certainly feel a lot of fear with ocd, but what is it really? A friend of mine sent me an email this week quoting something from Joyce Meyer that was on her program Tuesday. Joyce said that fear is really an evil spirit that produces a feeling in us. I wondered if we saw fear (ocd too) as the devil just trying to tempt us to feel fear and flee would we continue to give in to it? Joyce Meyer also said in yesterday’s program that the definition of fear is to flee or shrink back from something. Ocd does nothing if it doesn’t cause us to want to flee, to actually flee or to shrink back. We can feel fear and still not act on it. One of my favorite sayings is that “courage is not the absence of fear. It’s feeling fear and doing it anyway,” I’m not sure of the author here, but I love that quote. Every time you don’t give in…Every time you don’t flee…You won. You had courage. You weren’t acting in fear.
The enemy tries to make us think that because we feel fear we are fearful. That is simply not true. We are only acting fearful when we give in to the feeling. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I am very courageous and other times I fail miserably and give in to fear. We all do. The only way to beat fear is to stand up to it. Some days we do that better than others, but I’m sure all the angels are cheering every time we stand toe to toe with it and stare it in the face saying, “I will not retreat.”
That is the key. Keep gaining ground and keep pressing forward. Every one battles fear – not just those who have battled ocd. So when fear comes knocking let your faith answer the door and refuse to give in to it. It’s just a feeling, a feeling like any other we have. We get angry and we don’t always act on the anger. So, we can feel fear and not act on it too.
God loves us so much and He wants a good life for us. He planned a good life for us and we are all the better for it. If you haven’t gotten your miracle yet, keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Reminds me of that Christmas cartoon with the abominable snowman or whatever he was – They start singing the song, put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking cross the floor. Put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door. We don’t have to remain trapped as a hostage to fear. We can break out of that prison and that box with God’s help. So look up. Where does your help come from? From the Lord.
Getting through ocd.

See this tree in this picture? The winds have blown it sideways, but it is still thriving and rooted in the ground despite the storms life has thrown its way. The same is true of you and me. We might have been blown sideways and feel we need a new “hair” do, but we are are still rooted and grounded in Christ. Now, say this with me, “God is for me and not against me.” Say it again. In fact, say it until you begin to believe it. Sometimes when we’ve been hit so hard by so many storms, we begin to wonder about that and the enemy slinks around whispering constantly in your ear that God must not love you or you wouldn’t be facing all these problems. That is a lie!
We are all tempted to believe that at times. I can remember sitting in the floor of my bathroom and crying out to God, “Do you hate me?” Of course, he doesn’t but in the storm it feels like no one cares. If you couple that with a background of feeling that no one really loved you because of things that happened to you in the past, then you can understand my cries of do you hate me were really does no one love me, even you God? Will no one ever stand beside me? We can really get turned around and upside down in a storm. It is only when we begin to come out of the trial or the storm that we can look back and see where God was carrying us all the time. He was leading us through and carrying us out. Don’t be deterred if you have little pity parties from time to time and don’t be deterred if like me you find yourself sitting in some floor with tears streaming down your face demanding to know if God hates you. He understands and He knows that you will reach a point where you understand that He absolutely does not hate you, He loves you and He is leading you out of your storm.
So, take care of yourself in the storms of life. This is not the first storm you faced – although granted it might be the most fierce – but look at all the storms you have already been delivered through. You will be delivered through this one too. And, you won’t face this one again once you are delivered. Everyone faces storms in life. It’s just part of life. But, what you are learning now will train you to better navigate future storms so you don’t ever find yourself here again. Now, that’s good news. God will deliver you and you will be walking in the sunshine again. Just have faith!
Getting through ocd.

I was listening to portions of Joyce Meyer this morning as I got ready for work. The very small glimpse I got centered around doing what God told you to do. She said if you are waiting for a miracle and God has told you things to do and you have not done them, then your miracle is not coming.
I thought how true that is. If God has told you to do something about the ocd and you are not doing it because it seems too hard, too scary, too whatever…then you will remain stuck until you do it. Believe me, God was telling me to do things way before I got the courage to do them. But take heart, God knows we are scared and He is there waiting to take our hand and walk us through it. But, your true miracle can’t come until you do the things God is telling you to do. Sometimes, the only way out is through. So go through with God. Take His hand and He will lead you through the fears.
It is never as bad as you imagine and once you begin to do it and do it again and again, the fears will lose their hold. And, then you are standing fully in your miracle.
Getting through ocd.

Sometimes, we are sailing along at perfect speed and life looks great. And, then we find ourselves in the perfect storm. When this first happened to me more than a year ago, I began to get the words the perfect storm. I remembered the movie about how all the storms collided at once leading to dire circumstances. I even told people I feel I got caught in the perfect storm because so much was going on and had all collided at once to what seemed like one messy breakdown.
I was listening to Beth Moore this morning on Life Today and she was talking about being wrecked but not ruined. I was certainly wrecked, but to date God has not let me be taken under or ruined. There were days when I felt like I had been shipwrecked and I felt I was hanging onto one broken board in the middle of a raging ocean. Then I gradually began to see land and I felt like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.” I collapsed on the beach for a while and then gradually I began walking again in the sunlight.
As I listened this morning to Beth talk about this very topic and then she said it – the perfect storm. She even mentioned the movie and I knew this was a date with destiny for me hearing this particular lesson.
She described the perfect storm, the term I was using but not entirely sure what it meant for me – as a storm that God is in. The perfect storm that God is allowing because it is taking us where we could never get otherwise. I could never have gotten to some of the emotional healing that has taken place in my life if it had not been for this perfect storm. Let me tell you, when there is nowhere to go but up – you are wrecked but not ruined.
There were days that I felt I couldn’t take one more minute, maybe even one more second. But, God got me through each and every day. And, though I couldn’t see it, I was getting stronger and stronger.
I am only standing here today because of God’s strength. My counselor has never seen anyone come back from the brink where I was without the aid of medication. But, here I am – a miracle of God.
See, I can tell you about the perfect storm because I have been in it. I have lived to tell about it and I’m still here. I didn’t always feel that I would survive the storm, but looking back I see God every step of the way.
So, today if you find yourself in the middle of your own perfect storm, look up because your hope comes from the Lord. He is in the storm and He will take you to places of healing that you could never get to without it.
God loves you and He will not forsake you in this storm. So, hang onto your life preserver – that’s God by the way – and sail on. Brighter days are on the horizon. Just keep looking at the Son.
Getting through ocd.

These last few days have been incredibly stressful for me and my husband. The home we were planning to build, we thought we were not going to get. Problems resurfaced with people from my childhood. It looked in the natural that the dream we had was dying and that the person from the past was successful in hurting me again. But, God kept talking to me. He sent me devotionals that told me He would resurrect my dreams.
When things looked like they would not move forward, I worried. I stressed. Finally, I prayed. I told God to shut the doors he wanted closed and open the doors He wanted us to walk through. The next morning when things looked their bleakest, I was told the person had a change of heart and our house was going to be built. My dream house on my dream lot. The one I envisioned myself sitting on the back porch and writing my book about ocd.
God resurrected the dream, just like that overnight. I wonder sometimes what God is trying to show me because this is not the first time that it looked like all was hopeless and then overnight God turned it around.
It happened with my first house just before I bought it. They wanted to withdraw the offer they accepted from me. I thought it was over, but overnight God brought it back and they agreed to their original offer. Then this summer, my husband left. He said he wanted a divorce. He said he couldn’t handle the ocd anymore. He filed papers. I prayed, others prayed. Then suddenly, overnight he came home and said he realized what a huge mistake he was making. In the time we were apart, God began healing me in mighty and major ways. I realized mistakes I had made and I realized that my marriage was more important than hanging on to the ocd. Something God pointed out to me during this time was that I was angry at my husband and some of what I was involving him in with the ocd was my way of trying to punish him for what I believed he contributed to with the ocd flare up. He was also very angry. Our dreams looked like they were dying, but God resurrected our marriage and I believe He is going to make the next years better than the first years.
The devil comes at us with everything he has when he thinks we are going to live and do things for God. If you feel under attack, you probably are because you are closer to your healing than ever. It is the last ditch effort by the enemy to take you out of the game and stop you. Don’t let him. Understand what he is doing and look to God.
I think God is trying to show me through these last minute saves that I truly can trust Him even if things look bleak in the natural. God can turn things around that are impossible and look impossible. He is the only one who can. In the natural, none of what is happening for my husband and I would be happening if it weren’t for God. He is telling me time and time again, ask for what you need and want. If it is best for you, I will give it. If it is not, I will not. When you reach the point that you trust Him to open the right doors, then the right doors will open. We have to get out of the way so He can work and getting out of the way means grieving for the day, expressing your anger, but at the end of the day resolving that if this doesn’t work, then you will trust God for the best thing for you. He will give you the desires of your heart.
Getting through ocd.

“Do you trust me?” God kept asking me that time and time again right before and during the biggest struggle of my life through ocd. As I healed, He asked me again and again, “Do you trust me?”
At the time, I didn’t get it really. I was too busy dealing with the why did this happen to get to the heart of what He was saying. My natural response was, “of course, I trust you.” But, the reality was I didn’t fully and I still struggle and am a work in progress here.
He was asking me did I trust Him through the most painful period of my life, a period I wasn’t sure I would survive. I was associating trust with pain and wasn’t really sure what it meant.
This morning I was watching Life Today and James Robison said something about trust that immediately brought God’s words back to my mind. He described a time when he wanted to die because he was so tormented in his mind by the enemy. He was a very successful preacher, but said he forgot to go to God for life and was only going to the Bible to get sermons instead of treating it as His life blood. He was delivered from all of that as he began to trust God again. He said when you stop asking why, and begin to ask where do you want me to go from here and how do you want me to deal with this, deliverance comes.
This was from a show that aired on Tuesday, and his guest was Kay Arthur, another big time Bible teacher. She too struggled with the thoughts in her mind that almost drove her over the edge. And, then there is one of my all time favorite Bible teachers, Beth Moore, whose testimony includes a time when she felt the enemy came for her mind and she thought she was going to end up locked away somewhere. All were delivered by God and all have gone on to do great and mighty things for Him – they are among the biggest deals in the Christian world of our generation. I tell you this because as we trust God to bring us through, He will deliver us and bring us out on the other side to do great things for Him. He never wastes our pain. He will use it to help us relate to others who are in this struggle and to help them overcome as well. Your pain won’t be wasted. We are all on this journey. I am ashamed to say when God asks me do I trust Him that the answer is not always the way I should, but I am further along than I used to be. The more we trust God with our lives, the more secure we become for sure.
I tended to trust God only when I was at the very end of my rope and had no other alternative. I didn’t understand why he allowed things to happen like they did. I kept asking why instead of where do we go from here for so long. I was trying to handle things myself when God wanted me to lean on Him. Sometimes we just get in the way in spite of ourselves of what God is trying to do. I am a very stubborn and independent person. That serves me well in some areas, but not with God. My stubborn streak probably helps me not to give up at times and God knew I would need it there, but He doesn’t want me always trying to figure out and handle things on my own. But, we should take heart. We are in good company in the battles we have faced and God is our deliverer as we learn to trust and rely on Him!
Getting through ocd.