gettingthroughocd

I have been noticing the last few days that the need to perform perfectly seems to be a recurring nightmare in my life. The pressure from it all is ridiculous. In my case, it started with the need to please others and live up to their expectations. Unfortunately, I had a parent, husband and a boss who all expected perfection. Throw that in with a bent already toward perfectionism and you get a deadly mix. So, guess what, the ocd led me to a place that at first I thought was just ocd, but now I’m beginning to realize it also was taking over with the need to be perfect – to perform the rituals perfectly in order for it to be OK. So, if I couldn’t pay the utmost attention to what I was doing or someone distracted me, I would do it again and perhaps again. I felt I had to pay attention to every single detail or I would miss something. I’m just starting to get that I don’t have to be perfect. My house doesn’t have to be perfect. I can not perform perfectly and still be OK. I’ve noticed this lately and perhaps this is another step in the total healing process because I have a new house and now I’m wanting to control that everything coming in from my old house and from other places is well, perfect. The sun needs to set on that little obsession. It doesn’t have to be perfect for me to be alright. What others expect and want and need from me shouldn’t matter more than what I need for me. I need to place others’ expectations back on them and with them and stop taking them on as my own. I need to learn that everything is OK just the way it is, even me at this stage of the game. That doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying in areas that I feel the need to improve or get better, but that it is OK to just accept where I am on the road to where I’m going. God is the leader in my life and I know I am going to go where He leads no matter how I feel. I am more afraid not to follow God than I am to fear anything else and maybe that is the ultimate key. God never leads us where He doesn’t protect us and keep us. I stepped out in a big leap of faith quitting my job and moving back to where I grew up. It is taking faith to not look for a job and write a book about my experience for six months because that is what I believe God is asking me to do. And, so I will do it until I believe God leads me in another direction. Don’t think I’m not getting pressure from people about finding a job or always being asked when I’m going to start looking for a job. It would be easy to give into that and it would be easier for us financially if I would take a job, but I made a commitment to God on this and that is something I don’t want to forsake. So, pray for me and our family over the next six months that God will continue to lead and guide me on what to write and what to do. Pray that I will have clarity when it is time to begin looking for a job and the proper job to take. Pray that we will all beat this ocd monster once and for all never to be bothered with it again. Believe me that is a prayer that God will answer. So keep on keeping on in what God is telling you to do and follow God where He leads. You will be glad you did in the end.
Getting through ocd.

Sometimes when things seem their hardest you have to learn to stand your ground. That is what I have been getting in a Bible study I have been doing and it has come to me repeatedly this week.
In the bible study, Beth Moore talks about strongholds and ocd is a stronghold in our lives. She said, and I found this to be particularly true in my situation, that when we have a stronghold, we will defend it, protect it and hide behind it. I have found in my struggle that there have been times that I just wanted people to understand what I was going through so much that I would actually defend my condition and the ocd. She went on to say that when we begin to call our strongholds what they are – for ocd it would be fear – that is the first step in getting free. And, when we recognize that God is stronger than anything we face and we make up our mind to get free, nothing can stop us or stand against us because we are fighting with God on our side.
Powerful. We need to make up our minds once and for all to get free, stand our ground and see the deliverance of our God. Nothing can stop you when you do that.
What we don’t often recognize is that we aren’t fighting alone in this. God is here and nothing is impossible for God if you believe. Do you believe? Not just want to believe, but do you actually believe that God can and will set you free?
Then stand your ground and face the fears. I am not just talking to you, but to me too.
Do you know that when you set your mind in God’s direction and begin to believe what He is telling you that you can do anything. Anything is possible for you.
We are all soldiers in the Army of God. We all are if you have accepted Christ as your savior. You have the fight in you because you have the Holy Living God living in you. I know I have written all this before, but I was reminded of all of this this week in my study and it was powerful.
This morning I heard Joyce Meyer describe fear. Fear means to take flight she said. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel the emotion of fear. Fear not means to not take flight. There are still times I want to take flight. I have made so much progress and enjoyed so much healing in so many areas of this fight, but there is the top one – the fear of pills that still causes me problems. There is a trauma associated with the pill fear so it has had a stronger hold on me – stronghold if you will. This week, I have been exposing myself to over the counter pills by not fleeing from them when they are near me at the grocery store aisle and picking check out lines that have aspirin and allergy medication on them to go through the checkout line with.
Well, of course the enemy knows that this is the last fall of the ocd so he sets it up for me to run into two major obstacles this week. One obstacle occurred in a bookstore when a woman whipped out a pill bottle, opened it and took a pill right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. It has been a long time since that happened. I deal better when I know what the pill was and am better able to move past it, but I couldn’t very well ask her although I contemplated long stories to tell her to try and find out. But, in the end I didn’t ask. My anxiety didn’t skyrocket as in the past, but it was there. I went to lunch after and only washed my hands once as is normal before lunch for me and ate with no problems. I’d like to tell you I was 100 percent perfect, but I did shower when I got home six hours later because I worried how I would feel later in the days to come in my new home if I didn’t. I knew I wasn’t really contaminated, but I did it just as a precaution to ward off thoughts – notice I said thoughts not contamination – that may not even happen in days to come. All that did was reinforce the lie that I had to do something to remain safe from my “thoughts”. So, the next day, I again encountered pills. This time I was paying for sod at a landscape company and a woman opened her drawer to give me change and pulled the cash out right next to her prescription pill bottle. Again, I didn’t know what the pills were. I went to the restroom after and passed at least three that I counted more bottles of pills, all prescription which I haven’t been facing deliberately. Good news is I came home and didn’t shower until I got ready to go to bed. Even went to Bible study without showering after that encounter. So, even though I would have liked to have handled it perfectly, I did make progress and I know if I keep standing my ground on this last issue, it will fall. But, I have to stop taking flight and I have to stand my ground – the ground that the Lord has given me. There are days I feel stronger and more able to do that and there are days I just don’t want to have to deal with it, but I can assure you all that is normal. So, as you can see God has healed me in so many areas, but I have to face the last obstacle with the pills and not knowing in cases what they are or I am not completely free.
I know that will happen because God has given me the courage and the freedom in so many other areas of the ocd fight this last couple of years. My husband takes Alleve every night and I don’t even ask him to wash his hands after and he gets in bed and touches things all through the house. I have learned I am fine and I know that deep down I am fine if I encounter other pills, but I am not always perfect in dealing with it. I have learned that I am not even fearing contamination any more, I am fearing my own thoughts about it and thoughts can be controlled.
The beauty is God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but just to keep trying until I am completely and utterly free.
May God continue to bless you in your fight! Remember no matter what you are facing, you can do it. We can all do it. If we couldn’t, God wouldn’t ask us to not fear.
Getting through ocd.

Whew! I have been so exhausted the last couple of days. Moving and unpacking is not for the faint hearted. Today, I sat down on the computer for the first time in a few days and I wasn’t planning on writing today. But, God had other plans.
I kept seeing devotions on being happy in the moment and getting your joy back. Basically, they were saying that the joy of the Lord is our strength and that we don’t need to wait until something gets better or our circumstances change or everything lines up perfectly to be happy. We need to choose joy and happiness and seek them through God.
That still didn’t fully inspire me to write today because I was mentally tired. Those were the first two devotions I saw in an email. One on happiness and one on joy. I knew God was talking to me and I felt He wanted me to share it with everyone on here, but I thought I don’t know if I feel like writing today. Our feelings can be fickle anyway and I know better than to just give in to a feeling.
But, God knew I needed one more push so in the unlikeliest place, I opened a post and it said we need to seek grace and not trouble because if we seek or look for trouble we are sure to find it.
I then realized that God was telling me and wanting me to tell you guys as well that we are not to put off seeking happiness and His joy. “This is the day the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
I know that was for me today and I have to suspect you too or God wouldn’t have kept after me to write today.
Life happens I know. And, with ocd, life can be even more stressful. But, God is saying don’t wait until you have fully arrived to be happy. Be happy in the moments and blessings that I give you today. Let me bless you.
There are times that we can focus on the problem so long that all we can see is the problem. God doesn’t want us to focus on the problem. He wants us to focus on how big our God is and that His grace will see us all the way through whatever we may face today or tomorrow. God has been continually reminding me that He is with me and He wants to help me through the last remnants of fears I have battled. He has already helped me conquer through so many and He wants the last little ones to fall and for me not to fear anything harming me. He wants the same for you and whatever you are fearing. He wants us to be happy, but we have to choose happy over fear.
So, the next time you are out and about and you see that penny on the ground for those of you in the United States – Note that it is stamped with “In God we Trust” and know that is a reminder that God is with you. For those of you outside of the United States, anytime you see the smallest coin on the street or out and about, know that God is also reminding you of the American penny saying “In God we Trust” and that it is meant to let you know that God is with you and you can Trust Him to see you through! I love you guys and I pray for you! Let us all do our best to rejoice and be happy in God today!
Getting through ocd.

It’s going to be a bright shiny day today! Wake up and think I am so looking forward to what God is going to show me today. I know things can get hard, believe me.
I have been moving and let’s face it stress good or bad can cause symptoms to flare at times. But, as long as you are making progress, even small progress, every day you are still moving in the right direction.
I want to share something with you that I did right before we began moving. For some reason, after all this happened to me I stopped eating peanuts and strawberries and shrimp. Basically, when this happened to me I had just eaten shrimp so my mind began telling me I had some type of allergic reaction. I didn’t, but I added other common food allergies into the mix of things that I stopped eating even though I had never had allergies to them.
So, my husband and others kept coming by me with peanuts in the last few weeks and I realized that I was reacting out of fear every time they walked by me after eating peanuts. They couldn’t tell, but I was shrinking back. I got mad and decided I am tired of this so I got up and ate peanut butter crackers and sat down and decided what happened happened. Nothing happened and I am happy to tell you that I am eating peanut butter crackers regularly.
Now, there are some other things I still need to tackle, but I wanted to let you know that sometimes you just have to make up your mind you are going to do it anyway despite the fear you may face and despite what you think might happen.
Just know that God is in control of your life. I just heard a pastor say that the only way to get over your problems is to go through them and when you go through them you enter into the promised land of milk and honey.
Go through your problems with ocd and enter into the promised land. Your promised land awaits. He will build you houses you did not build and vineyards that you did not plant. But, don’t forget once you are free to never forget who made you free! God and God alone sets you free, but you have to cooperate. Go straight through the problem. Just remember the greater your problems, the greater your blessings. So, look at it this way you are on the way to huge blessings:)!
Getting through ocd.

Betrayal. It is a word that immediately brings up images. If we have ever been betrayed, we can relate to it. If we haven’t had a major betrayal yet, we know of the ultimate betrayal. Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. But, even that was part of the plan. What if all of our betrayals were part of the ultimate plan for our good? I can tell you they are.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that God brings the betrayal. He most definitely does not. The betrayal comes at the hands of Satan himself. We know this because the Bible tells us that Satan entered Judas just before Judas betrayed the Lord. But, look at how it ended. Our savior is risen and He broke the hold of death.
Now, I say all of this because this morning I was wondering why I was still feeling weird around certain objects in my old house. I pondered that this morning, and I felt the word betrayal coming to mind.
It was true. The two chairs reminded me of a betrayal where someone I thought should protect me instead led me into a very uncomfortable situation at work. It is where I fell apart and where I thought I was truly afraid of the contaminated object that was brought into the room. But, it wasn’t ultimately about that. It was about the betrayal. Someone I trusted to protect me did not. Ocd is never really about a contaminant. It always has a deeper root with a deeper fear.
I followed that thought into betrayal and the theme of it had been running for a while. I thought about the betrayal I felt when my husband left during the height of the ocd. And, then I thought about the prescription medication that triggered all of this off to begin with that I took from a doctor who I trusted to help me not harm me. I thought about the deeper betrayals coming from earlier in life where someone I trusted to protect me did not. But, God is trying to resurrect me from the ashes that once was my life. And, He wants to do the same for you.
God asks us to trust Him and when we do great things begin to happen. We are blessed so we can bless others and relationships that looked doomed are redeemed.
So, what I’m telling you when I looked at those objects that I had associated with a memory – those memories for me delved into betrayal leading all the way back to where the fear first began. For you, the fear may be linked to some other fear or hurt that you suffered somewhere in your life. Mine comes from worrying that harm is going to come to me. Certainly I have evidence that there has been harm done, but the greater evidence is that God can redeem it all and turn it around for my good and for your good.
These are just thoughts I had today and I wanted to share them here. I want to tell you that God has blessed my husband and I so much with our new home. It truly is beautiful. He is also restoring and has been restoring broken relationships in my life. I pray that you will continue on in your fight and give God the opportunity to heal you and redeem your life from the ashes.
Getting through ocd.